No one strives to be in a long distance relationship (LDR). The goal is to be together, but on occasion there are aspects of life that force one’s hand. Is a long-distance relationship doable? Is it worthwhile? How can you tell? From a poll of a few couples that have tried long distance relationships, we have these answers and more.
Whatcu Talkin’ Bout Willis?
There are various definitions of “long-distance” and most of them are relative. For our purposes, a long distance relationship is one where two partners live at a far enough distance apart where a daily drive or other transit is not a reasonable expectation from a time or cost perspective. For some, this is anywhere around and above an hour commute.
How does one end up in a long-distance relationship? More often than not, LDRs begin as more traditional relationships and often start as the anti-thesis to an LDR, where they see each other almost constantly. This is often the case as it allows one to build a deep connection with someone and get to know them to an advanced degree. Some, but very few LDRs, begin as a long-distance affair through modern dating apps where they only see each other on a limited basis. Not that these cannot work, but they are much more difficult given the rate of relationship development provided little physical interaction. After this period, there is a separation event. Graduation. Moving back home or to another state. Taking a new job in a new area. Military commitments. Starting at a new school or university. Pursuing your career as a professional sock puppet maker - you really missed out, Derek! Regardless how it happens, there are a few questions that need to be understood prior to saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to continuing the relationship.
Hard Hitters
At a point, some important questions need to be confronted if a LDR is going to work. Below is our list of top considerations to communicate with your partner or contemplate internally.
Do you enjoy your time with this person above anyone else? If you find yourself fighting all of time ahead of an LDR, or consistently picture yourself being single, it may be a poor idea to push for a LDR. This needs to be a two-way street and both parties need to be highly motivated to make this work.
What are the stipulations of the relationship? Is this an open relationship? A common problem that occurs during LDRs is that there are few guidelines set ahead-of-time and people may make assumptions that are not mutually understood. Bring up the question even if it makes you uncomfortable because if your partner is pushing for an open relationship, but you don’t feel comfortable with it, that is likely to cause a divide later on.
What is the duration of the LDR? Is this a short separation - only a few weeks or even a few months? Is there a set timeline? If not, it is a crucial question to ask and determine. The point of an LDR is to eventually be reunited. Without something to strive for or hold onto an LDR is much more difficult.
What is the appropriate living situation, would you live together? It is rare for someone to start a LDR without having lived together for even a short-time, but casually dating versus being enclosed in the same space with someone and learning all of their weird habits are different animals. Make sure that this is something you are comfortable with; otherwise, when you are reunited it may be for naught.
What is the reasoning for a LDR? Does it need to be a LDR or is someone failing to compromise? Most LDRs have apparent compromises, but it is not always reasonable to ask someone to uproot their life at the drop of a hat. On the other hand, if there is basic logic saying that you COULD reasonably be in the same area, but are CHOOSING not to, that is a poor beginning for a LDR. As an example, if someone gets a job in a city they have always wanted to live-in, and the other partner graduates, takes an online job, and moves home which is an hour away - it is a reasonable assumption that you could move in together and not do a LDR. Digging into this reasoning will get some further clarity as to whether it makes sense to move forward with.
What are the constraints keeping you apart, can these be altered in time? Money, family pressure, and difference of priorities are the most common divergences. Do you need to work in [insert city here] or can you eventually move? Does your family disapprove of moving in before marriage - where do you stand on tying the knot? Does one person want to be on Broadway and the other surfing in CA? Discussing these does not commit you one way or the other, but if you can’t fathom the answer or see a deeper relationship then you may not be at the point where a LDR is a reasonable expectation.
What is the end game? This is the most important of the above questions. For a LDR to work, there has to be a point of resolution - a time when you can be together again. Along with this, what is the goal afterwards - children? Marriage? Both working? Own a house? If one partner does not want children and another does for example, that can cause a large divide. Discuss this with your partner and try to understand if you truly align on some of these core issues. This does not mean you have to commit one way or the other, but it is a necessary dialogue to consistently consider.
One Foot In Front of The Other
So you’ve determined that a LDR is possible. You’re both nervous as people keeping telling you horror stories of how difficult it is. In order to provide some guidance, below are some notes from those currently in, or have evolved from, long distance relationships:
Communication Level: Establish a routine. Understand how much you should speak each day or each week. A good morning text and a goodnight call are often the best way to stay up-to-date on your partner’s life. If you have down time, reach out and let your partner know you are thinking of them. If one person wants to talk 10 times a day and the other wants to talk once a day, find a middle ground. Video calls are the best way to see how your partner is doing and you should make these a priority over traditional calls if possible.
Visits: Plan to see your partner on a semi-regular basis. Depending on how far away you are, you can see your partner on a weekly, monthly, or every few month basis. The phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” can be very true and enhance the feelings for one another when you are together. The largest consideration is the sustainability of visiting from a monetary perspective. If the constraint that keeps you apart is that you are both trying to develop your careers, but are not brining in a lot of dough to date, a $500 flight every month can take quite a toll on your budget. Make sure that you are both comfortable with the duration you are seeing one another.
Love Language: A common relationship theory by Gary Chapman dives into the psychology of a relationship. People are usually driven by one or two core aspects of a partnerships that make them treasure their time together. These are: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. These are fairly apparent, but research what each of these are and identify your partner‘s Language. Make efforts to meet your partners language and it will make your LDR much more palatable. The obvious complication, physical touch, is a difficult love language to overcome in a LDR which is why meeting your partner‘s visit expectations is crucial.
Oversight: A common initial outcome of a LDR is jealousy. If your partner is hanging out with friends, or spending time with another person you could see them starting a relationship with it can drive you insane. If you’re sitting at home while your significant other is at a club, your mind can race and construct all sorts of frustrating scenarios. This is natural and is the largest difficulty in a relationship, long distance or otherwise. It all comes down to trusting your partner. Communication is key here and letting your partner know where you are going and who you will be with, without exclusion, provides some peace of mind. Also having someone in the group that you know has your partner’s best interest in mind is also helpful. Overall, jealousy can lead one to jump to conclusions and make accusations, or even worse, forbid certain actions. When this happens, it is a death nail to LDRs as the person being restricted often lashes out in a declaration of defiance. “Why is this person miles and miles away dictating my life? Isn’t that a sign of an unhealthy relationship?” In part, that person is right, but some self-reflection is needed before damning you’re partner’s acruins. Why are you stressing your relationship to the point where this is a constant issue? Are they being unrealistic? How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot and they were going out or talking to so and so? If you still believe this to be toxic, talk to your partner and make whichever decision that is necessary for your mental and personal health.
Arguing: This is an inevitable part of dating. We all argue, but in LDRs it can be especially difficult and lead to some of the issues discussed in the above point. Consistently arguing can be frustrating. It may seem that every time you talk you are arguing. You think the other side is completely illogical and start to dislike the time you are interacting. This is a crucial point in your relationship. If you get here, NEVER seriously threaten the other person with breaking up unless you mean it. If you do and then push that comment aside, it will erode your relationship from the inside out. You will start thinking about that more and so will your partner. The best solution is to take some time to yourselves. Listen to what your partner is saying. Try to understand where they are at emotionally and see if you can relate. Sometimes all you have to do to stop recurring arguments is to nod and say “That sucks, I’m sorry. I wish I could be there to help. Can’t wait to see you soon”.
Large Events and Holidays: Every once in a while, it is important to make some sort of larger gesture to show that this relationship is still of the utmost importance. This does not always have to be monetary, but ideas like writing a poem, listing the reasons why you enjoy your time with them, a surprise visit, or a ‘care-package’ in the mail are all great ways to keep the spark alive. For larger events like birthdays or holidays, plan these ahead of time and try to ensure you can be there and make the day into a great memory! Also try to have an even split between you travels where and which family holiday you attend. Don’t let this be some one sided!
End Game
At a certain point, your LDR will come to an end. No, not breaking up, but being reunited. That is the end goal, right?! No one wants to be in a long distance relationship, but especially in this modern era it can be a necessary evil on the way to a longer journey together. As mentioned earlier, the worst thing that can happen is that you go through this difficult time, are back together, and realize you are not right for one another. This was actually very common during the pandemic/quarantine. Make certain that you have addressed the core questions above, and if a LDR is right for your relationship than try some of the recommendations we outlined.
A long distance relationship is not for everyone, it must be the right pairing, the right time in each other’s life, and right alignment of end goals. Understand that a long distance relationship is intended to be temporary (in a relative term), and that the overall driving force are your feelings for your partner. Hopefully this article has helped you understand the complexities of a LDR, or given you some new ideas to keep the spark alive, but the best resource are those that care about you - friends and family. Discuss some of your concerns with them and don’t be afraid to communicate any issues with your partner directly. Best of luck out there and we’ll see you next week!